I am both embarrassed and ashamed of where I am now. I have entered a time of anger. I have become irritable and testy with people whom I admire and respect. They have done nothing to cause my irritability, but nevertheless, they received it. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit began to work on me and I apologized, recognizing I was at fault and was wrong.
So, what am I angry about? I am not angry that Terrie died; I understand that, but I am angry that I am alone. Outside of work and church, I am completely alone. No one to do anything ; no one to watch a ballgame with; no one to eat with; no one to talk with; etcetera, etcetera. I feel like I could explode.
I am angry that my “love tank” is empty; physical touch – EMPTY; words of affirmation – EMPTY; acts of service – EMPTY. I have already coasted to a stop with no more fuel in the tank. Empty and alone.
I was asked several times today, “How are you?” but I couldn’t be honest and say that I wanted to scream or pull a door off of its hinges, or that I was in a great conflict of my life.
What conflict would I have? It’s a conflict between my flesh and my spirit. Before I became a Christian, I had a terrible temper. I have told you before that I have broken a windshield with my fist; that I had hit brick walls, siding on a house, and door jambs out of frustration. I don’t want to exhibit that type of behavior again and I don’t have too.
I have discovered I feel this way, because I don’t feel I deserve to be ignored by people, to not be important to them, to be overlooked. And why would I feel that way…pride. It’s ugly, but there it is. I think more of myself than I ought to. To admit this is rather…..humbling.
To live my life in the days ahead, I have to remember that I really am nothing. I am an empty and lonely vessel, wanting to be used by God, for His glory. Will He use me? Will I be able to stop the anger? The fight is out of me. I surrender, I give up.
If my future is to be without human companionship, I accept it. I don’t like it, but I accept it. Somewhere along the line, I’m sure I will adapt. I must.
At the end of the day, I have to place my trust in God’s word and the things that it says about my relationship with the Lord. But tonight, I’m hanging on to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 NKJV. It’s not me, but it’s Him.