It’s been awhile since I last posted here. I needed time to process my emotions and where I was with the Lord and to try to get a better idea of where I was in the healing process.
The last post was on the 21st of May. I was looking with some anxiousness about two dates that were coming up quickly. Monday, the 23rd marked six months since Terrie died. Wednesday, the 25th marked what would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. Those dates loomed like twin peaks on my horizon. I had to be able to get past those events and be able to emotionally survive.
In my GriefShare sessions, I was taught to lean into events like this, as one would lean into an ocean wave they knew was coming. I had a choice to make, I could either give no resistance and be knocked down by an emotional wave of missing her without hope or I could brace myself with anticipation and think on the blessing of having had her in my life for so much of my life. I choosethe latter.
As part of my strategy for getting by these dates with joy, my brother and sister-in-law and I decided to drive to Washington DC to spend a week with my sister. You may ask if I was crazy to spend captive time in a car for 1500 miles one way with relatives and I would have probably have to say yes. But I needed that time to learn to be with people again, to bond again with my family and to allow them to help me to heal. They love me, but since we live in different cities, it is rare that we can be together, this way they could see how I was doing and help me as needed. And they did help me.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
I have written extensively about being impatient, desiring to get on down the road as quickly as possible and I have also written about having to slow myself down and learning to be content in whatever state that I’m in. If any wisdom has been gleaned, it is to know that the Lord has a plan for me and He has a timetable for that plan to unfold. I greatly desired to “fix” my situation and “help” God out, and as a result, I rushed things. Since then, I have earnestly tried to not to be anxious, and with thankful prayer, submit myself to what the Lord has for me. My father-in-law would have told me to “cool your jets!”
Psalm 46:10 (NKJV)
10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
The Bible translates “cool your jets” as BE STILL. “Be still” means to stop striving. “Know” means to recognize and understand. I would paraphrase the verse as “Stop wiggling and understand that I am NOT God, and only Jehovah is God and He will be exalted and praised throughout the world, because of His greatness and might.” As a result of that, I don’t need to squirm or wiggle in my seat, like I need to go to the bath room. He has it under His control.
Lately, I find I am not straining against the reins as before. I’m waiting for the “gee and haw” to be spoken from the Master Plowman. I think it began on Mother’s Day, when Greg Keenen, our Senior Pastor, began a series of messages from Psalm 27:13-14. What a wonderful pair of encouraging verses.
Psalm 27:13-14New King James Version (NKJV)
13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Read verse thirteen aloud, please. Here is what I read, “Oh, I didn’t want to lose heart (courage), I needed to believe in the goodness of Lord NOW. I’m in the land of the living. I am to continue on knowing that He is good to me.”
Are you ready for that ugly word in verse fourteen? Let’s read it aloud together…”WWWaaate, That’s it! Wait on the Lord; Be of GOOD courage and He shall STRENGTHEN your heart (emotions, courage, determination).
Sunday, Brother Greg preached a message entitled “When God Lets Down The Guard Rails” from this passage. It was a tremendous message as he pointed out the benefits of having to stop what you are doing sometimes. You can see and hear the message by clicking here
There are times that God stops us because we need to heal. On the days that I don’t “see” progress, He may be healing the hurt that I can’t see. Five and a half years ago, I had a major surgery to remove oral cancer from my left jaw and reconstruct the left half of my tongue. Perhaps I will have the freedom to write about that someday. After weeks in the hospital, I was sent home to heal. I had wounds on my arm and on my back, and on my neck. A “fistula” formed from a point on my neck scar line to the inside of my mouth.
Every day, a nurse would come to my home and check on my wounds. The “fistula” was most annoying because it leaked fluid and I had to have it treated with a long paper type filler that had to be packed into the hole. I could not rush the healing. I had to wait for God’s timing for it to heal.
Now, why did I tell you that yucky story? Well, Brother Greg at the end of his message reminded us about Joseph, son of Jacob. He had dreams that he didn’t understand and when he told his brothers about them bowing to him, they became angry and sold him into slavery.
He was sent to Egypt and began running Potiphar’s (a captain of the guard) household. Mrs. Potiphar desired to seduce him and when he rejected her, she lied about him and he was sent to prison.
It was only after a cellmate remembered that Joseph had the ability to interpret dreams, that he was brought before Pharaoh to interpret Pharaoh’s dream. To get the whole story see Genesis 37 and 38.
Bottom line- Joseph became Prime Minister of Egypt and ruled the country. A famine happened and his brothers came before him, not knowing it was their brother that they bowed before to ask for food. Brother Greg said it was at that moment, that Joseph must have remembered the dream that he had dreamed decades ago. It was in God’s timing that what God had showed him would happen did happen. He had to go through some experiences and some sorrow. I’m sure he had doubts and discouragement, but he had to wait on the dream.
“Wait on the dream” is my way of reminding me that what God has planned for my future will happen. I don’t have to wiggle in my chair, no, I need to abide (rest) in my chair, enjoy my time of healing knowing that waiting is not being wasted, but is producing results, the results that He wants for me.
I’m excited to see what He is going to do with me; just the right amount of excitement. I wonder how He will pull it all together. Well, whatever He does will be good. Won’t it?
Do you need to wait on your dream? Let’s trust in Him together!