The sign says “Next Service 83 Miles”. That’s a long way to walk. I’ve come a long way, but I know I have a long way to go. I think most of my days are good, but there are some days that are very hard for me to endure.
I have completed the first cycle of “GriefShare” sessions. The program was very helpful to me and showed me ways to cope with my grief. But there is still some healing that must occur before the Lord shows me the next phase of my life. The program says that next phase is called“Building A New Life”. I will write of that at another time, but not today.
I have always tried to be honest with you and I will not stop now. Today, I feel like I have stumbled some. Have you every tripped over a tree root or an uneven walkway? I didn’t fall, but my forward progress has been impeded. I have been doing pretty well, but today, after tripping, I am not as confident as before. I’m a little unsteady.
There is “83 Miles” to go and I’m not sure I can make it. A rush of loneliness and frustration are blocking my view of the Lord, as a sand storm comes up from the desert floor to fill the sky. They change the color of the sky because of their enormity.
The storm began last night after church. I went to a restaurant for supper. I was told it would be several minutes before I could be seated. The attitude of the staff seemed to me to be “take it or leave it, we don’t care”. I was very disappointed. I was hoping to be able to sit at a table close to where I took a photo of Terrie, which turned out to be one of the best photos I had ever taken of her. Of course, they didn’t know what I was hoping for and I’m not sure I could have verbalized what was in my heart. I wanted to be in a place which had a pleasant memory for me, just for a little while. Instead, I felt like I had slipped off the bicycle seat and landed on the cross bar. I felt like the “enemy” sucker punched me and left me laid out on the sidewalk. I felt so alone with the rest of the world walking around me, paying no attention to the man facing the asphalt.
I know the storm will not be quieted with possessions. I have a comfortable home; a good car with a filled gas tank; a closet with plenty of clothes, a comfortable income, and a refrigerator with the things I choose to put in it, as pitiful has some may think those things may be.
So what am I looking for? What is it that I think will make the storm be still? Well, first of all I want to complete my walk with the Lord having learned the things only taught in this class. I would hope to be an encouragement to others, to help them on their road, to be able to point out some potholes or rough passages.
Again, being honest and open, I would hope at the end of “83 Miles”, to find a woman, for me, who loves the Lord supremely. A lady, who understands about what being on this road is about; someone, who has a smile that comforts my heart; whose fragrance is pleasing to my nostrils; whose eyes are welcoming to me; someone to help me fulfill my ministry, someone to love me, to laugh with me, to cry with me. But that may be a mirage, something unattainable. I don’t have much to offer, only dedication, faithfulness, loyalty and love.
Yes, because of the blinding sand storm, I have had to shorten my stride, back to baby steps. I really don’t want to be separated from my Master. I realize He is the only one who can get me through the next “83 Miles”
I have much to do before the “83 Miles” is completed. I have been wrestling with the same 2-2.5 pounds of weight loss in the last two weeks. I need to lose much more. I am trying to be more observant and trusting in what the Lord is teaching me. Some days, I start off without Him and fail to listen to Him and other days, it seems like I’m right there with Him hearing Him tell me “to keep going, you’re doing fine!” I need to be more consistent. I need to be wiser in knowing when to speak and when to remain silent. The remaining silent is more difficult for me. I want to be grateful and thankful each day, for everything I’m experiencing, whether I consider it good or bad. I need to recognize His love for me throughout the day. Whatever the Lord is doing with me, I know that it is for my betterment. He is refining me.
What will be at the end of “83 Miles”? I don’t know. It may be what I hope for or it may be another sign telling of more distance to cover. Whatever it may be , I need to be faithful and trusting in my Lord and Savior. Only He knows what He has planned for me. Only He knows. He is the only one. I choose to trust in Him.
“So the men marveled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?” Matthew 8:27 NKJV