I’m not sure how I feel today. I’m not sure what to anticipate. I see myself in an open, unfamiliar field and not sure of where the path leads. I know I must keep walking, that this is not the place or the time to stop.
My mind and my heart are in conflict about how I am with my new life, my still undefined new identity. I seem to be adjusting to living alone. I have times of being okay with it and other times it drives me crazy. I can smile at times, but I don’t enjoy things as I once did, but I think that is to be expected. I posted on Facebook a quote from one of my Grief Share videos. One of the counselors made this statement, “you will not heal from your grief, if you don’t spend some time alone.” I commented in response to the statement, “I don’t like being alone, but I have to admit, it is necessary to be quiet before the Lord and have Him minister and heal your heart. It will take time, but it will happen.” Gina Cash, who is a hospice/bereavement coordinator, made this reply:
I refer to it as “going to the wilderness”. It’s a must to slow down, go into neutral & stop. Pause & allow yourself to truly feel all emotions, befriend & acknowledge them, it is by doing this deep soul searching that we are able to emerge from the pain & sorrow & become whole again. May God continue to bless you. –Gina Cash
I thought of Gina’s statement,” Pause & allow yourself to truly feel all emotions, befriend & acknowledge them, it is by doing this deep soul searching that we are able to emerge from the pain & sorrow & become whole again.” I think to do this requires an extra effort, on my part and a degree of bravery. Extra effort, because I have to pause and find understanding of what my emotions are. I have thought something was one way, but only to find out, after examining my emotion, that I was 180 degrees off. Degree of bravery, because I’m not totally confident that my emotions are true. I will need to make adjustments as the Lord reveals them to me.
In the last ten months, my memories of Terrie have changed some. Dr. H. Norman Wright says that there are two types of memories: emotional and historic. At some point, your memories change from emotional to historic. Historic memories are presented as being fact, with less intensity of emotion. I think I’m in between these two memories. I do know that I have come to truly, truly realize the treasure that I had in her love. I know she wasn’t perfect and she had a couple of faults, but what an incredible person she was and how strong was her love for me. Gosh, I miss being loved by her.
Some of the things that I had hoped for a few months ago, regarding loving again, have proven to be foolishness on my part. I know it’s still early in the process, but as I look at the horizon, the sky looks dark. I have, metaphorically, referred to myself as an old car for sell. I know it has a lot of miles on the odometer, the body is not in good shape, and it’s not the prettiest car on the lot, but it’s dependable and faithful. But it doesn’t seem dependability and faithfulness is what the market is looking for. Oh, and then there is the price! It will cost the buyer, their whole heart and for them to be faithful and loyal as well. There is no “try it out for the week-end” offers. The buyer has to know that this old car is the right one for them. So, you can see, this unit will be on the lot for a long time.
But as in everything, it is all in God’s hands and what better place can I be in. I can trust and place my hope in Him, and I’m quite content with that.