Back in 1968, Spanky and Our Gang sang a Stuart Scharf song called, “I’d Like To Get To Know You”. Here is the first verse,”Yes, I would like to get to know you, if I could
Like to get to know you, Finally I found, searching all around, Just was not the answer, One I thought was true, Looked a bit like you, Figured I might chance her, Hardly need to say, She went on her way, Said it was all over, Well it’s been some time, And I guess that I’m just meant to be a rover…” It was a song about uncommitted relationships. But I thought of the song after being asked to be a part of something that I wasn’t expecting.
I had an occasion to do some marriage counseling a couple of weeks ago. I found that the couple had lost their ability to communicate. With my 41 1/2 years of marriage experience, I knew the importance of communicating with your spouse.
My wife and I were both Christians and in our walk together, we learned some things about how to get to know about the one you are living with. Here they are:
What is your spouse’s spiritual gift? It was surprising my couple was not entirely sure of what they were. I believe there are seven motivational gifts mentioned in the Bible. They are: Prophesy; Ministry (Service); Teaching; Exhortation; Giving; Administration; Mercy (Romans 12:4-8). Each gift is equally as important in the body of Christ, but they manifest themselves differently. I have two gifts (that is not uncommon for God to give more than one) Service and Teaching. Terrie’s gift was Exhortation. When we would have a fellowship. I would be picking up plates or making sure to having adequate seating, etc., while she would be visiting with people, finding out where they were in their life. Both of us were acting in the realm of our spiritual gifts.
We were at a Christian school teachers convention, when Terrie sat in on a seminar about personality types. “Positive Personality Insights” by Robert A. Rohm Ph.D. made a huge impact on her. The idea of different personality types has been around since the Greeks studied the subject. But in this book, the concepts are made easier to understand by using four letters: D, I, S, C. Each symbolizing a personality type and the mixture of these letters to form a unique you.
- “D” – someone outgoing and task oriented
- “I” – someone outgoing and people oriented
- “S” – someone more reserved and people oriented
- “C” – someone more reserved and task oriented
I am a S/C. Terrie was a C/D. She was normally reserved, but could “bring up” her “D” when she needed to. She would at times, tell me to raise up my “I” when I need to be more outgoing. We can “tap into” each on special occasions.
In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a book called, “Five Love Languages”. Do you get frustrated when you buy flowers for your girl and they don’t seem to mean much to her and there are times if you just hold her hand and she beams with joy? You may have not been speaking her “love language”. Everyone has one or more. Here are the five:
- Receiving Gifts – (they don’t have to be big gifts, just something to let them know you were thinking about them)
- Quality Time – (just being alone, without distractions, with you is enough)
- Words of Affirmation – (kind words, encouraging words)
- Acts of Service – (having someone do something for you; Help with the kids, do the laundry, simple things)
- Physical Touch – (it doesn’t have to be sexual, holding hands, caressing their neck in a casual way, just feeling the warmth of another)
Terrie’s was Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Mine are Physical Touch and Acts of Service.
The important thing here is that you speak THEIR language! Not just what you understand. It’s about filling their love tank.
Dealing with conflicts
The week before our counseling session, I was impressed to write on different aspects of how Christians, especially inside a Christian home, w ere to work through their own conflicts. Here are the Facebook post that I wrote to prepare my heart for that meeting. I will not give the whole Bible verses in this writing , but will give the references, except on the first one.
I have been thinking about a phrase I heard preached concerning being correct and having the right attitude. The phrase is, “It’s not enough to be right. You have to be right- right!” He was saying if you are disagreeing with someone, you could be factually right, but have the wrong attitude.
“31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV
Verse 31 speaks about getting right. Verse 32 speaks about how you should be right-right, having the right attitude.
Jesus said in Matt. 23:24, “You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” Do we do that? For the sake of winning an argument we would swallow a camel!
My desire, whether to immediate family, extended family, friends, or to strangers, I want to be “kind to one another”. I want to be “tenderhearted”. I want to be “forgiving one another”. Why? Because God in Christ forgave me!
Would you join me?
having ought against a brother
I have a pretty good memory about the things someone has wronged me on. It’s not quite as good about the things that I have wronged others on.
Here are some bible verses (NIV) that help me maintain the right prospective:
1) Mark 11:25
2) Matt. 6:12
3) Micah 7:18-19
4) Psalm 103:12
5) Daniel 9:9
6) Eph 1:7
7) Isa 1:18
8) Acts 3:19
9) 1 John 1:9
10) Eph 4:32
11) Luke 17:3-4
12) Matt. 6:14-15
13) Col. 3:13
Perhaps at least one of these verses will help you understand how God forgives us and how we ought to forgive others.
how is your heart
How is your heart? Is it hard and unforgiving? Are you broken before God?
Here are 5 verses about having hardness of heart and 5 verses about having a tender heart:
H1) Eph. 4:18
H2) Rom. 2:5
H3) Isa. 6:10
H4) John 12:40
H5) Matt. 19:8
T1) Eph. 4:32
T2) 1 Pet. 3:8
T3) Col. 3:13
T4) Gal. 5:22-23
T5) 2 Cor. 7:10
Which heart have you chosen for today?
Have you ever felt like you were not accepted because of who you are: your looks, your status, your beliefs, etc. I wanted to see what the Bible said about accepting others:
1) Rom. 14:1-4
2) Rom. 15:5-7
3) 1 Pet. 3:7
4) James 2:1-4
5) Col. 3:13
6) Eph. 4:2-3
And though not scripture, Charlotte Elliott wrote these words of great truth, ”Just as I am, without one pleas, but that Thy blood was shed for me, And that Thou Bidd’st me come to Thee, O Lamb of God, I come! I come!” If Jesus can accept me just as I am, will you?
In addition to the two books I referenced to above, I would recommend Dr. Emerson Eggerichs book, “Love and Respect”. The Bible teaches men are to LOVE their wives and women are to RESPECT their husbands. By doing so, you fulfill God’s word.
My desire would be to point families in the right direction. Families are under attack and need to be fortified. Perhaps through this work, you finally get to know the one you live with and a song will be in your heart.