TWELVE MONTHS/ ONE YEAR
It is hard to grasp the range of emotions that I have felt in the last year. The tears, the anger, the frustration, the loneliness, but there was/is also the comfort I received from the Lord, from my family, and from my friends. The greater love I have come to understand from my Lord and a greater appreciation of the love I had with Terrie. Continue reading
Did you catch the mistake I made on my last update? One clever reader, after reading the post, alluded to my being able to predict the future. I said to myself “Huh, what are they talking about? I didn’t write anything about predicting the future!” I re-read the body of my piece four or five times and did not find what they were talking about. My judgement was, “They’re NUTS!” I got a text from my sister, which unlocked the mystery for me. She said, “Your title is Update 10.23.16. This is 09.23.16.” While she didn’t say it, she could have been justified by adding “Moron.” So, the clever reader got me. Made me twist in the wind. Showed no mercy. But that’s par for me, that’s normal (me smiling here)! That’s the way I’m treated!! Continue reading
I have been thinking of a statement I made in yesterday’s post Update 09.23.16. I wrote, “…my new life, my still undefined new identity.” I keep asking myself, “Are you really undefined?” And I answered with “NO! I’m not undefined.”
I have written about who I thought I am (Can A Man Know Himself?) and I think that was fairly accurate, but since Terrie died, the phrase “new identity” has been used in several discussions of grief recovery. Many identified me in association with Terrie. WE were identified as”Steve and Terrie” or “Terrie and Steve”.
With half of that Continue reading
I’m not sure how I feel today. I’m not sure what to anticipate. I see myself in an open, unfamiliar field and not sure of where the path leads. I know I must keep walking, that this is not the place or the time to stop.
My mind and my heart are in conflict about how I am with my new life, my still undefined new identity. I seem to be adjusting to living alone. I have times of being okay with it and other times it drives me crazy. I can smile at times, but I don’t enjoy things as I once did, but I think that is to be Continue reading
I didn’t entitle my last update, an update, but instead entitled it “83 More Miles With Jesus”. In that posting, I discussed a storm of loneliness and frustration. The storm as died down some, but the emotional wind sometimes plays havoc with me.
I’m adjusting to the “New Normal”, which is living with loss. “New” does not mean better, but it is different. The pain is not as sharp when you desire to be held or to hold. I could only assume it a few steps above Continue reading
The sign says “Next Service 83 Miles”. That’s a long way to walk. I’ve come a long way, but I know I have a long way to go. I think most of my days are good, but there are some days that are very hard for me to endure.
I have completed the first cycle of “GriefShare” sessions. The program was very helpful to me and showed me ways to cope with my grief. But there is still some healing that must occur before the Lord shows me the next phase of my life. The program says that next phase is called Continue reading
As I begin to write, I am listening to Andrea Bocelli singing on my internet radio. He is one of many reminders of the things Terrie enjoyed. Thoughts of her crowd my mind,
especially on Monday’s and on the 23rd of the month, the day and date of her death. Those thoughts are less painful now. Most of the time, I can smile without crying, but there are those times, I smile with tears in my eyes.
I said I would give a monthly update for the first year of grieving, in order to help those who have not experienced the death of someone close to them, a spouse or parent or child. This is the seventh month and it is yet different than the sixth month. Continue reading
It’s been awhile since I last posted here. I needed time to process my emotions and where I was with the Lord and to try to get a better idea of where I was in the healing process.
The last post was on the 21st of May. I was looking with some anxiousness about two dates that were coming up quickly. Monday, the 23rd marked six months since Terrie died. Wednesday, the 25th marked what would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. Those dates loomed like twin peaks on my horizon. I had to be able to get past those events and be able to emotionally survive.
In my GriefShare sessions, I was taught to lean into events like this, as one would lean into an ocean wave they knew was coming. I had a choice to make, I could either give no resistance and be knocked down by an emotional wave of missing her without hope or I could brace myself with anticipation and think on the blessing of having had her in my life for so much of my life. I choose Continue reading
It has been five months. Five months since Terrie died and was escorted to heaven. Five months that on some days seemed very short and some days seem so very long ago. Five months of trying to reconstruct a life that was similar to what I had before, but without all the pieces. It is like acting in a play that has had the leading lady ripped from the script, during the play, and the remaining cast has to improvise the balance until the closing curtain.
At five months, I am better in this play, Continue reading
It was a rough close of the work day. A co-worker was visiting with another co-worker when I walked into the office. He was telling him about rules of CPR and that you can’t stop until a medic shows up. He said “if we were pumping on Steve’s chest, we couldn’t stop!!”
It ripped a hole in my heart.
I had to phone the one co-worker, on the way home, to ask him to tell the other one not to bring that up again, because that’s what I had to do to Terrie. It was too painful to hear. It was a bad flash back! Continue reading